20 Steps to Live Your Life You Actually Want:

Modern life can be very busy and this might be distracting you from the life you actually want. Change is difficult and many people do not know where to start. It’s also hard to know which activities are stealing away your focus.

I have found change is more achievable by taking little steps, and setting small, manageable goals. This exercise asks you to take 20 days to make 20 changes that will allow you to focus on what really matters.

At the start of the first day:

1. Start asking questions

Ask yourself questions to help you decide what is truly important in your life. Where my time can be best spent? Do I need this? What is more important?-are some questions which can lead you to find clarity and help you move towards powerful and positive changes in your life.

Food:

2. Make a recipe list

Write a list of all the dishes you know and enjoy cooking, and then make a list of the ingredients required to make these meals. This is a good opportunity to reevaluate your eating habits and possibly expand your food repertoire.

3. Set up a meal plan

Using your recipe list, plan out what meals you would to cook for a week. You can make a shopping list based on this plan. Planning this can save you time and the hassle of deciding what to cook. You can also cook larger quantities of one dish and eat it a few times during the week. Knowing what you plan to eat can also help you cut down on the number of trips you make to the grocery store.

4. Enjoy eating at home

Planning your meals ahead of time allows you to enjoy eating at home. With the stress of deciding what to make removed, you can focus on the food preparation itself. In addition, home dining saves you money and invigorates the novelty of dining in a restaurant. Furthermore, if you eat out often, choosing a restaurant takes time, and agreeing on one with your fellow diners can take the fun out of dining out.

Money:

5. Try your best to set up an automated savings

Set up a savings account that automatically assigns small portions of your income from your regular bank account. The amount does not matter. This system automates the practice of monthly saving and helps you develop saving habits.

6. Pay all your bills on the same day

If possible, schedule all your monthly bills to be paid on the same day. This makes handling monthly bills easier. Adding up the total amount due allows you to calculate how much disposable income you will have over.

7. Make weekly accounts

This practice allows you to automate your weekly spending. Look at your monthly expenses and see how much your typical fixed and unexpected expenses are. Based on this figure calculate how much you should be spending per week. You can use a smart phone app (try Mint) or withdraw cash weekly to keep a handle on this.

Entertainment and technology:

8. Uncluttered your devices

If you have a smart phone or tablet, you often download apps you do not use. Your email inbox and your desktop computer also become cluttered with untouched items. This makes it difficult to use these devices for what you actually bought them for, so spend some time clearing these. Delete unused files and archive old emails. Look through your apps and uninstall those you do not use frequently. You can also place less frequently used apps on a separate page so that they would not distract you from what you want to do when using your device.

9. Ues of “unfollow” and “unfriend”

A lot of your time, mental energy and sanity can be wasted on social media. Cull your social network and leave only those that add value to your day and really care about you. If work and family obligations make this difficult, at least simplify the settings so that it’s less cluttered when you first look at it. For example, you can “unfollow” these acquaintances, without “unfriending” them.

10. Cut down on TV

There are a lot of compelling TV shows on the air and sometimes they can suck away your time unnecessarily. Do not schedule your time around the TV. Make a list of your favorite TV shows and pick your favorite ten. If some of them clash with activities, record them via TIVO or watch them online. TV can wait and should be watched when you feel it.

Mental:

11. Practice mindfulness

The reason you are simplifying your life is to find more peace and joy in the everyday moments. Quieting the mind from the chatter that overwhelms it is a practical solution to feeling at peace and less stressed by your thoughts. If you are not familiar with mindfulness, consider joining a group or watching a video on the practice.

12. Tackle things you have been putting off

Usually, there are errands or chores you have been avoiding, and though they only take a few minutes to do, they become a mental burden. This procrastination can stress you out unknowingly. Tackling these "action items" now, one by one, can prevent them from becoming a larger problem later on.

Goals:

13. Keep a list of weekly activities that need doing

This is different from a to-do list. These are minor activities that need to be done, but having to remember them can distract you from important tasks. Keeping them on a list, written down on a post-it, or set as an alarm reminder will allow you not to worry about them, and also remind you to do them.

14. Simplify your goals

If you have dozens of goals, you will find you are not getting anywhere with any of them. You need to focus on a select few if you want to get anywhere. Take your goal list and reevaluate which ones are beneficial to you and truly worth your time. Some people abandon the term goal and use the word intention. For example, you can intend to work on your carpentry every day and have the goal of building a shed. This makes carpentry your focus, and the goal of completing a project secondary.

15. Start single-tasking

Multi-tasking has been very trendy, but it does not help calm the mind or get something done well. The mentality should be switched to getting several tasks done in a day with a single-pointed mind. When you focus on one thing at a time, without the distractions of a second task, you can give it 100% of your attention.

16. Delegate or ask for help

This is not passing off responsibilities to others. This point is about knowing how much you can handle. You can hurt yourself or the project you are involved with if you over-commit or do not know how to do something. By learning to ask for help from those who are better at the thing you need help with than yourself, you are helping everyone. Asking for help also helps you connect with others.

Other:

17. Give away things you do not use

This task is straightforward. Having less needless possessions can free up physical space and mental worries. This one can take more than a day so try to be wise about how you approach this task. Choose a room or a storage area to tackle. Consider how often you use an object and how much you plan on using it in the future. You can also take into account whether it contributes positively, negatively or neutrally to your life.

18. Reduce time commitments

This relates to step 16, and being aware of your limits. Many people do not saying no to family, friends or work and overextend themselves. This can inhibit your own success and harm your overall well-being. Be selective with your time and carefully consider what activities are worth your energy.

19. Systematize important information

There are so many important pieces of information required to keep your affairs in order, such as passwords, paperwork and account details. This can be difficult to track. Set up a reliable system to deal with incoming info. You can opt for either a physical or digital system. For a digital one scan important documents and organize them into a folder with subfolders on your computer. Store it somewhere easy to find. If you prefer a physical paper system invest in an expanding file, which you can buy at an office supply store, and add labels to it. This process will simplify this annoying aspect of modern life.

At the end of 20th day:

20. Reevaluate everything

After 20 days of action, you need to sit and reevaluate how the simplifying process went. How did the changes go? Did some things not work well? Decide if further changes need to be made. Take note of the specific effects each strategy has had on your life. Only you know the answers. Many times the adjustments are just as productive as the initial action.


Mahesh Bhatt

12 Toxic Thoughts and How to Avoid Them

We all develop negative and toxic attitudes at times and none of us are invulnerable to mood swings or thoughts that dampen our happiness. That doesn't mean you should surrender to them. Whether your negative attitude appears often or is a rare event, it is important for your long-term happiness that you manage to identify the thoughts that create it and what will change how you think. The 12 toxic and negative thoughts presented here pass through most of our minds, and it's best to know how to handle them, freeing ourselves to live a truly happy life.

1. "I may not be happy right now, but I know I will be happy in the future."

Instead of being thankful for having two working legs, a body that can do so many things and a brain that works all the time, many people complain about their weight and their looks. Instead of being thankful for the roof over our heads, many people pray for a shiny new car. Don't be those people. You may not have everything now, but you have plenty. To see that, just make a list of things to be thankful for. The world is full of people who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Do not wait for happiness later when you can have it now. It is all about appreciating what you DO have.

2. "Happiness depends on great moments and specific circumstances."

For some, chasing happiness is not the same as being happy. For those who chase, happiness is always just out of reach, and only occurs during special, specific moments. There's nothing wrong with enjoying some sunshine or the chirping of birds, but one must separate happy moments with being a happy person. Happy moments pass because time always passes and it's unavoidable. We expect to be happy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, wanting a life where every action is rewarded. However, this kind of attitude only leads to disappointment and changing moods.

If you are serious about being happy, then chasing it is a bit more complicated. It is not always about momentary thrills and instant gratification. This is not a game of tag, but more of a 'hide and seek'. The goal is to live a life that is meaningful to YOU. It starts with you asking yourself: "Why do I do what I do every day?" When that answer gives you meaning and joy, then you will have found your happiness.

3. "Every step I take, for myself and for others, must be logical."

If we only ever listened to our logic, we would lose our passions, our sense of romance and probably some of the long-standing friendships we have with others. We would be stuck thinking we are going to fail at everything we do, that we will end up getting hurt. But that is nonsense, because if we truly lived out lives that way, we would not be living at all!

If you shape your every action so it seems logical to you or to others, you may feel 100% safe from acting a fool, but will spend your whole life waiting for something to happen. Sometimes you just need to try new things and take risks. Sometimes you just need to get up and do what feels right to you. A man did not invent the plane because flying made sense, he invented it because he had a passion, and not only that, because he wanted to do something completely illogical and make it come true.

4. "I am not good enough to do this."

When you find yourself in a circle of self-hate, you must remember that you were not born this way. At some point in your past, someone or something sent you the message that something is wrong with you, and you have internalized that lie and accepted it as the truth. But it is not a lie you should carry on your back, and those that judge you are not you, so what do they know about what you can and cannot do?

In the same way that you learned to see yourself in a negative light, so you can learn to see yourself in a positive one. Every time you feel this inadequacy, see it as a challenge and prove to yourself and to others that you have self-respect and that no one has control over what you can and cannot do. It would not be easy, and it would not happen overnight, but it is possible with enough practice. It starts when you give yourself a break, and consider the possibility that you CAN do anything.

5. "Everyone should love me."

People who are constantly on the hunt for other people's approval eventually wear others out. They are stuck with the desperate need to prove their worth, time after time, always trying to get positive attention from the people around them. Ironically, they often get the opposite result, because they suck the energy of others trying to get their attention and end up annoying them. Even worse, they exhaust themselves in the process, and eventually become frustrated and angry because they couldn't get what they wanted.

There is a much bigger picture at which to look in life, and there's much more for which to strive than other people's approval. Imagine yourself living completely alone, without seeing anyone. What would make you happy then? What would you do?

If you want people to love you, help them. Give them the love you wish you got. They may not always give it back, but it will help you find happiness in giving rather than receiving.

6. "I've seen and heard it all."

No matter how much you know, how much you've learned or how many experiences you've been through, this life is much too complicated for anyone to be able to say that. Every day is a chance for a surprise, and you should never think that you are done learning. We learn every day, from the moment we're born to the moment we close our eyes for the last time. Keep an open mind, because often the things we thought we knew end up giving us some valuable new lessons.

7. "I need to be in control."

Imagine you are driving your car and get stuck in traffic. There's nothing you can do but to be patient. Yet, that does not stop most of us from changing lanes, trying to bypass other cars or even, in desperate cases, drive on the other side of the road. These are all attempts to regain control over a situation that we simply cannot change. This leads to frustration and when we finally do get to where we were going - we already feel negative and frustrated which may cause us to take it out on others or just make ourselves feel worse.

Accept the fact that sometimes we have no control over what happens to us, but remember that no matter what happens and no matter what the result is, it will all work out in the end. Do not sacrifice your present for a future you fear. Let go and let life happen, investing your energy in the good things you can control in spending time with your loved ones.

8. "I have been hurt so bad that I'll never recover."

Pain and loss is a big part of life, and keeping them fresh in our memory only causes them to last longer. One of the hardest things to do in this world is to let go of the pain that we both hate and jealously keep, whether that pain comes from guilt, anger or tragic loss. Sometimes forgetting and letting go is the only choice that can cure us and release us, emotionally, from memories we use to haunt ourselves.

It is not easy letting go, it takes hard work and focus, but it is worth the effort when you feel that weight lift from your shoulders. Stop reading old chapters in your book of life and start making some new ones. Learn from your past mistakes and move forward. Sure, there will be new mistakes to make, but that is part of living a meaningful life.

9. "Everything that happens is personally connected to me."

It's easy to believe that everything that happens around us is somehow connected to us personally. It is easy to believe you are unloved or unwanted when people seem angry or unfriendly. But the truth is most people make their choices based on what they're going through themselves, and it rarely has anything to do with you personally. Someone might have a bad day, and we all have our own problems and struggles to overcome. Do not take things personally and understand that every person around you is just trying to find their own way through bad and good days. 

10. "I am better than other people."

Be humble. Admit your mistakes and know when to ask for forgiveness. Ask others for their help and remember those to whom you owe your success. This constant act of comparing yourself to others will only bring you frustration and anger. It is a thought that we use as a shield to prove to ourselves we have worth. You DO have worth, and so does every other person. Realize that and compare yourselves only to the person you see in the mirror.

Remember, climb a mountain not so people can look at you, but so you can look at the world.

11. "What they don't know won't hurt them."

We all tell little white lies now and again. But even the simplest little lie can cause us stress and anxiety in the long run. In fact, it is quite terrifying to think that most people are more surprised by honesty than they are by lies. The one thing that unites people the most is being open and honest with each other; helping others see the world the way it is instead of selling them illusions.

Most importantly, do not lie for the sake of your own mental health. It is such an easier life when you're simply being honest and have nothing to hide.

12. "I just do not have time for my family and friends."

Neglect is almost as bad as abuse to some people. You may feel a little regret now, but you'll feel a lot more of it later on in life, when most people wished they had worked less and made more time for their loved ones. And when we lose one of our dear friends or a family member, we feel as if we would give anything for just one more hour, even a few minutes, with them again. Think about that when you look at them, every moment is precious. Spend it well.

Take the time to have a really good conversation with a member of your family every once in a while. Share with them, be honest with them and above all - give them your attention. Life is too short not to spend it with those we love. Make the right choices so you don't regret them later.

A few more words...

If you notice some of these behaviors and thoughts in yourself, remember that you are not alone. We all have a negative side buried deep within us, and it has the potential of bubbling up to the surface when we least expect it. The key is your own awareness, so identify the toxic thoughts and behaviors when they happen and stop them in time. Remember these tips and live your life the way you're supposed to - happy.

Mahesh Bhatt

15 Honest Questions the person you marry should be able to answer

Marriage really is a beautiful thing. I used to think it was a bit pointless, just a piece of paper that allows you an extra tax cut. However, the more I thought about it, the more I learned to appreciate what marriage could be. Marriage gets a bad rap because most people are really bad at it. It is not marriage’s fault. It is the couples’ fault for being neither mature enough nor smart enough to manage.

I used to believe people could not possibly promise to love someone else in 10, 20 years when neither their partners nor they will be the same people they are now. But that is the point. We know that the future is filled with uncertainty. Regardless, we still want that promise because it gives us courage to give ourselves to another without reservations. You may not be able to keep that promise, but you can keep the promise to do your best to be an amazing life partner. That’s all anyone can really ask for. If you are thinking about tying the knot, then, be sure that your future life partner to-be can honestly answer these questions to your liking:

1. Why do you love me?

People seem to feel this is a question that does not especially need answering. Most will say we love others simply because we love them—a horrible answer. All people need to know exactly why it is that they love the people they love. Loving someone is a very selfish act, and it’s okay. You love the person you love for what that person does for you and how he or she makes you feel. We may all have slightly different answers as to why we love someone, but if we are not able to exactly define the parameters of our love, then, we are likely to struggle later on once the initial intensity dies down. If your partner can not answer why he or she loves you now then imagine the inevitable uncertainty down the road.

2. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?

“Because I love you” is not a good answer. Life is a journey—one that is best not traveled entirely alone. However, not everyone has the same destination in mind. Wanting to take different pit stops along the route is one thing. Wanting different things out of life is another entirely. Your partner should be able to tell you what life experiences he or she hopes to share with you. It is these little goals you set for yourselves that make your life special.

3. Will you do your best to keep the romance alive?

Keeping the romance alive is not an easy task. Yes, it is all mental, but keeping interest for such a long time is difficult. It takes a lot of work and creativity. It takes the other person regularly trying to please and impress you, which in itself becomes increasingly difficult with each New Year. Romantic love cannot survive on its own because both of you are going to have to maintain it constantly. Is your partner willing to keep the romance as one of his or her main priorities?

4. Will you grow with me, and not away from me?

We may not know exactly where our lives will take us and what we will learn—who we will become—along the way, but we can make a conscious effort to grow closer together and not apart. Most people grow apart over the years because they feel like they’ve accomplished everything in their relationships that needs accomplishing.
This is one main reason marriages end up being so horrible—people think that there is no greater peak to climb than the one their relationship is already resting on. Marriage shouldn’t be the end, it should be the beginning.

5. Will you stick through the rough times?

The good times are a piece of cake. The difficult times, however, will destroy your relationship if you allow them to. There comes a point in every relationship when you have to make a decision. It’s a decision that, if made, is only made once. You will reach a point where you will either decide you are going to be there for this person for the rest of his or her life, or not. If you decide you’re going to stick with this person then you can’t allow any tragedy or outside force to shake that decision. This is one of the most important decisions we make in our lives—or, as it often turns out, fail to make decisively. Has your lover made the decision? Have you?

6. Are you willing to lose some battles in order to keep the peace?

The key to a successful marriage is taming your ego. No matter how competitive we are, sometimes you just need to pick your battles. Sometimes the arguments and the stress just aren’t worth it. What you need to understand is that 99 percent of arguments aren’t arguments over fact, but rather over opinion. An opinion is neither right nor wrong. Sometimes you just have to let things be.

7. Can you promise to put us ahead of everything else?

Life has a lot to offer. And if you’re anything like me, you have a very large appetite. We want everything life has to offer, and then some. The problem is we do not have enough time to have it all because our lives are too short. We can only pick a few things we consider important and do our best to flourish in those areas. The beauty of marriage is that it can be used as a base to build the rest of your life on. Your partner should be just that: your partner. Your relationship is the most important thing in your life because it’s what makes the rest of your life possible.

8. Will you be a great parent?

Again, how could anyone know he or she will be a great parent? Easy, you just decide you are going to be and that’s it. No tricks, no gimmicks, just a decision and then action.
Some things do not need too much thinking involved. You are going to be great because you decided you will be. Will your lover do the same and be a great role model for your children?

9. Will you be sure to remind me how much you love me regularly?

People not only want, but need to hear it. We need to be reminded you love us because we know that love does not always last forever. We want to hear the words and then have that reassurance reinforced with actions showing how much you love us. It really is enough just to love us, but understand you need to love us the way we need to be loved—just like we need to love you the way you need to be loved in order for you to be happy.

10. Can you promise to do all you can to keep that spark alive?

Think about how a lighter works. You have a spark that lights the fuel, which creates a flame. But how does that spark, spark? You have to create a force that will result in the energy creating a spark. Just the same, you can’t expect sparks to keep flying if you are not trying. If you want to have a happy and healthy marriage, then you need to find someone willing to devote the necessary energy.

11. Will you support me if I cannot support myself?

Not just financially, but mentally. May be even physically if necessary. No one knows what life holds. The unexpected happens, often leaving us weak, hurt or even permanently damaged. Will your partner carry you when you cannot walk? Will your partner support you when you are weak at the knees? Will your partner carry the family you have created until you regain your strength? Is your partner capable of mustering the strength to fight battles for the both of you?

12. Will you promise to continue to pursue your personal goals and dreams?

Marriage is not entirely the end of the person you were and the start of a new you. Sure, being in a serious relationship does require a person to change in many ways.
Yet, there is a part of us we can never, under any circumstance, let go of. The dreams, wants and hopes we have—our personal goals—must stay alive. When we lose them, we lose ourselves and inevitably lose the person we love. Marriage is not just an “us.” It’s also a “you and him/her”. You have to juggle being the person you have always been with being a part of a larger whole. It is not easy. But it is necessary.

13. Will you not allow yourself to let go?

Will your partner take care of him or herself by eating healthy and exercising? Will your partner get regular checkups and take vitamins? This may sound silly, but I have seen what letting your own self go can do to a marriage. Moreover, I have seen how not maintaining your health can make the lives of those closest to you incredibly difficult. Yes, your family should take care of you when you need to be taken care of—but it is your responsibility first and foremost to take care of yourself. No people should become a burden to those they love.

14. If I am the first to go, will you be there with me until the end?

Will your partner hold your hand when you are too weak to hold it back? Will your partner kiss your forehead and tell you he or she loves you, that you made life worth living? That, because of you, life made sense? Will your partner be there for your last breath, when you find yourself pressed betwixt fear and content? No one should leave this world alone. It is said that we leave it the way we come into it, but even when we come into it, there’s someone there to hold us. I understand most people do not like to think about death, but seeing as it is inevitability, it is better to plan ahead.

15. Can you promise me that if my time is cut short, you’ll continue to live on for the both of us?

You love this person. You want him or her to be happy regardless of whether he or she is with you or without you. If death collects you ahead of schedule, you’ll want to know during those last few seconds that the person you love will continue to live life to the fullest.
That your partner will continue to do great things, continue to be happy, and—if you have children—continue to love your children and guide them through life. The death of a loved one can ruin you. It can break you in ways that make full-recovery impossible. Can your partner promise you to find the strength and courage to press forward?
I do not know about you, but the last thing I would want for the woman I love is for my departure to be her downfall. If my being in her life or leaving her life will in anyway destroy hers, then I clearly made a mistake by allowing myself into her life.

Mahesh Bhatt